Tuesday, 12 January 2016
I haven't blogged for ages.
I haven't found it within myself to project myself into this little sphere of being. I'm not saying I haven't written. I've written more in the last couple of months than at any time in my life. But these musings are raw. They are small scraps of paper with strong emotions that tangle together without a purpose.
Somehow the web of tension is starting to break and I finally feel a little more like myself again. I felt that I had no confidence left. I was so strongly unhappy that I was crying daily for weeks on end. I believed I wasn't good enough. This compounded with difficulties in my job and ultimately led to me leaving. I was in this really low place and no job was better than the job I had.
This took people close to me a time to understand. Why would I jack in a decent job for nothing? That wore into my brain. I felt like I'd made a stupid decision. One I regretted. One that made me feel worthless and without purpose. I sunk lower.
But I knew I needed to find my way, find an opportunity in this mess. A glimmer came when I was offered interviews for dream jobs that would see me working full time in cricket. In all cases I didn't get them. Despite knowing I was more qualified and have more experience. Always their was only one stronger candidate. Knowing I was so very close. The nearness of opportunity broke me more than being cast aside without thought. Friends tried to console me and say that how close I got was a positive, but all I could see was that I didn't have the job.
And nothing. I hid from the world. I didn't want to think about the future or the next day even. There was nothing to get up for, no purpose anymore. I was waiting, but I didn't know what for. I would count the hours until I could go to sleep again, because whilst sleeping I didn't have to counter the pain of failure. I had nothing to look forward to. Emptiness gripped me and tears fell without cause.
How do you come out of that sink hole? That pit?
I have to send a great deal of thanks to my friends. I have uncontrollably sobbed and as I looked through my tears, I have seen the pain in their eyes. The helplessness at what to do and that breaks me. All they need to do is be there. Holding me whilst I cry on her bed is one of the moments I will never forget about my friend. Everyday whilst I hid from the world one friend would text my motivational quotes. They made arrangements with me so that I had something to look forward to. I had a reason to leave my bed. To get up and shower. Whilst I wasn't taking care of myself, the incentive to get up was important. The friends who have sat for hours over a drink when the they have their own families, lives and pressures are truly special. Whispered conversations have taken place quickly whilst coaching. My friends have a facebook group which allows us to share our news and problems so even when we are in different countries I know I have their support. I am so thankful to every single one of my friends who have pulled me kicking and screaming or gently persuade me that there is a future.
This week I am thankful once again. An old work colleague has allowed me to volunteer with her. I have been teaching. She has teased the enthusiasm back out of me. I've enjoyed it. I have a little bit of confidence back.
So what comes next? I honestly don't know and that's the most scary part, but I know I don't want to go back to the feelings I had a few weeks ago.